I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
