Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Holy sore nipples Batman
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
