It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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