Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
