The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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