You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
