9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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