Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
There are leaves in my underwear?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
