You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
