I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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