The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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