I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My hand turned me down
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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