I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
