forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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