I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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