Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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