I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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