im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize