wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
