Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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