This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
