her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
