May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
