ugly people sure do ruin things
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize