Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
