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Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
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