did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
