gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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