I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
