someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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