It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize