The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
