I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
