I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
