I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize