If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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