I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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