There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
