the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
