just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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