I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
