At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
