I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Randomize
