Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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