Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
