dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
