I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I think I am morally bankrupt
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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