it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
