So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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