Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
