from now on my penis is your penis
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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