News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
