I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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