John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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