You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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