I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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