I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
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