why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
