I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
